51

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Fall 2019 Edition
Alumni & Friends Magazine

Through the Survivors’ Lens: Gallery

An accessible version of the powerful “Through the Survivors’ Lens” exhibit.

Staff report | November 22, 2019

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In fall 2019, 51 hosted “Through the Survivors’ Lens,” an exhibit featuring 52 photographs submitted by 20 survivors of childhood trauma, sexual assault, dating violence, stalking, harassment, and domestic violence to document their responses to prompts such as: What does survivorhood look like to you? What did the experience of trauma look like to you? How does your assault or trauma still affect you?

The exhibit, made possible by the Women's Center, Survivor Advocacy Program, Health Promotion, Counseling and Psychological Services, the College of Fine Arts and University Galleries, Office of Instructional Innovation, 51 Libraries, Better Bystanders, Ambassadors to the Survivor Advocacy Program, and the Student National Medical Association, continues 51’s commitment to providing a compelling, visual means for provoking thought and reflection within the community, building on 2017’s  and 2018’s  exhibits.

You can view an immersive, 360-degree video experience of the exhibit — or see below the content presented in a traditional gallery. Survivors were offered the chance to provide additional context, as well as a caption, for their submissions. When provided, the context introduces the submission immediately above the photographs. Click each photo to view its caption.

360-Degree Immersive Exhibit

Sign says: Policies to Remember... Noise Policy; Quiet hours are from...

remained silent because I thought, "what did I expect?"

slanted view of track field with hurdles at dawn

facing the hurdles in the dark while trying to see the light

a coffee cup and a tea cup on a table, photographed at a slant

telling a close friend while feeling completely exposed helped me heal from all the hidden hurt

a stationery exercise bike

sometimes I feel like healing is being on a stationery bike, pedaling hard but it feels like staying in one place

blurred image of girl jogging

too many unanswered questions and blurred thoughts


Tara Lynn Clossman, my best friend, was shot and killed by her ex-boyfriend after she left their abusive relationship for another man. This is a sound wave of her voice. You never think something like this could happen to someone you love, until it does. I stand with survivors as a survivor of loss.

image of a sound wave

"You never thinking you will miss a laugh, until it happens to you"


I'm an incest survivor, from age three to a month before I turned sixteen, by my own father's doing. I then experienced adult relational trauma and adult bullying. The mental health community is still not adequately prepared to treat me, or the millions of people like me who survived sustained, chronic trauma, but it's beginning to look a little brighter. With public support and education, trauma survivors can come out into the light and begin to authentically heal and live. Thank you for reading this.

wooden fence with peeling paint

This is what being an incest survivor feels like to me after a year and a half of intense EMDR work. The black my amygdala painted over the exterior of my perception is peeling, and oh joy, there's another barrier behind it. My "wooden" self, unable to feel, to connect, or let myself in.

dead tree with roots exposed

My journey is ongoing, I've got a lot of miles to go. My healing journey is a constant yearning, reaching, for a life where I feel safe, worthy and loved. Even if I have to cross dangerous asphalt to get it.

giant wave, undulating over house

When I first created this, I titled it 'What Sexually Abused Children See at Night'. This is a taste of what laying in bed, waiting to be molested feels like.

fall field with barren tree seen through round lens

In living with Complex PTSD, I still feel like I'm contained behind glass, alone, in a perpetually dark place much like Gotham.

spring flower along the asphalt roadway

My journey is ongoing, I've got a lot of miles to go. My healing journey is a constant yearning, reaching, for a life where I feel safe, worthy and loved. Even if I have to cross dangerous asphalt to get it.


I was very drunk at a party and woke up naked next to him. I was 16 and my drunken state was mistaken as consent. "I shouldn't have been underage drinking so it was my fault that I put myself in that position". The next morning I had "friends" asking if I was okay, yet nobody said or did anything the night of. I felt disgusted with my body and immediately showered when I got home. This is how I lost my virginity.

A woman's sweater

broken glass on a seta in a car

Metamorphosis On Becoming… Mechanical as I remembered at the age of 23/24 the molestation of my 6-year-old soul when my adult cousin pushed his penis around my labia lips while feeding me butter rum lifesavers to keep me pacified. On Becoming… Mentally run-the-fuck-down at the age of 25/26 with an unwanted pregnancy by an unneeded lover, but by a very needed black male friend.

Cocoons hanging from a ceiling

On Becoming… An expert on malnutrition as I stuffed my Holy Temple with M&M Mars Snickers, Young’s Ice Cream, Little Debbie Nutty Buddies, cheesecake, potato chips, Beefeater’s Gin, Absolute Vodka, sex, disquietude, disbelief, and discovering – I am still alive? On Becoming… Matrixed and mirroring haunting sadness and dissatisfaction while showcasing sunbeams of a Superior spirit that showed me the way to the path.

sunset over water with dark clouds

Of Becoming… Meticulously faithful in believing mountains can be knocked down to molehills and simply walked over. On Becoming… Miraculously powerful through crying, shouting fighting, pushing, grunting, shaking, yawning, sweating, and most importantly, laughing on my way.

butterfly on a thistle

To Becoming… Re-emerged into society as a mahogany mound of clay to be used as a tool of resource for the next person on the edge… Of Becoming!


I was assaulted by my first boyfriend when I was in high school. I struggle with chronic illness and he took advantage of me when I was most vulnerable. I chose this photo to represent the peace I am finally starting to slowly feel after years of pain and fear. The sun in the background reminded me of the light I find in my new community and support system as I am finally free from living near him and seeing him everyday.

sunlight filtering through a tree, over a house

Although we live miles apart now, I still panic when I see someone who looks like you on the street. Years pass on and I wait for the fear and the pain to recede, because I don’t want you to keep taking things away from me. I refuse to keep being your victim and I know I am not alone.


Back of head, with unkempt blonde hair

Feral Me: This is how I feel many years after sexual assault by my fiance landed me in a hospital. Confusion abounds.

closeup of hairs on a head

I am hyper vigilant through a confused mind when I enter into new relationships or when intimacy is expected from me.

face covered by unkempt hair; text reads: She called me from the edge of a bridge

I should have been removed from my home by the force of personal family and friends.


The book of surviving freshman year correlates with the assault because it happened freshman year and I have been surviving since then and the jar is a symbol of emptiness and fragile just like my existence. The glass could break and release everything that is inside just like my mentality.

a used and battered copy of The Freshman Survival Guide

Surviving after a sexual assault just feels like you’re existing. I just feel empty inside all of the time and being a survivor has tried to help me get back to who I was but that person is gone. I am running on empty hoping that I can make it through the day.

An emtpy glass jar

My trauma still affects me every time someone tries to show affection to me. I feel like I can’t be kissed or touched by anyone without being reminded of the assault. The trauma made me feel empty and numb, like all of my emotions are inside of a glass jar or on the other side of a window and I am just looking in. I get reminded of the date of it every month and I become an emotional wreck because I have been empty for this many months now.


My high school boyfriend got tired of waiting for me to be ready to have sex. He cited his raging hormones, blue balls, parent's divorce, depression/anxiety and overwhelming love for me as reasons why what he did was okay. If I had known that the first time would be the start of many years of sexual acts against my will, I like to think I would have walked away from him after the first time. He was someone everyone around him loved to be around, he was cute, funny, smart, athletic, and he chose ME. He said I was his rock, his everything. I was manipulated so many times and in so many ways that I still can't shake the suspicion that I feel for everyone who says they care about me. Love and abuse are so intertwined in my mind that I still can't talk about my abuse without owning credit for part of it. I think to myself, "I loved him, so does it really count as rape?" Of course it was. If it were anyone else's story but my own it would be as clear as day to me. Why are we always harder on ourselves and our own story?

Light from inside makes shadow of bars across a street

I told him I loved him, but I wasn't ready. I told him I wanted to wait. I told him I told him to stop. He told me he couldn't help himself. He told me he was in love with me. He told me I was begging for it by wearing that short cheerleading skirt. I believed him.


a woman, frem the back, with her head bowed

When he called around the time of high school graduation, it had been years since anything had happened. But my pain and PTSD was still very raw and real. I hadn’t told my mother anything, but that phone call made me lose it. I had spent so many years trying to be okay, but without ever asking for help, so I really wasn’t okay. I am so glad that I have the mother I have. I’m so glad she believed me without needing to know anything. We did separate photos of that moment and merged them together.

photos made by mother and daughter, one showing a broken floor, the other a floor and the bottom of a quilt

This is where I split open and couldn’t take it anymore. My mom didn’t even have to know what happened exactly to take one look at my face and then she told him to leave me alone. She believed me without even knowing what she was supposed to believe. It was like breaking open and feeling safe for the first time. This is where my daughter finally let me know that there was a terrible problem. I told him when he called for her that I didn’t know for certain what he had done, but to never ever call again.


My focus was on my moving on the path of trauma/victim to survivor. My photos show my anger, to question, and re-questioning, to my final decision that it is okay to tell myself “Yes, I am a survivor.” 

My path started with denial and stating “I hope I am not a victim.” Then I would argue with others, therapist that, “No, I am not a victim.” It was only my brother. It’s not a big deal! It took me a true year to figure out that I am a survivor and to really believe it. I still battle with myself each and every day in stating “I am a survivor.” It is hard but at the end of the day I have a great supportive partner that helps battle the negativity and states “you are beautiful and yes, you are a warrior survivor."

Upon a white piece of paper, the words “Forever A Survivor” are written in the top left of the photograph. Also in the top left, and bottom left, are ink marks showing that there are other words written but not captured.
There is a fist, out of focus due to its frantic movement, monopolizing the photograph.
An empty pizza box lays open, with grease stains on the bottom of the cardboard box. A full box of tissues and an ice cream pint are placed next to it.
The photo is dark, in gray scale; however, there are pale streaks of what could be light in the darkness.
A bed with three pillows, but only one looks as though it has a head print from when it was used. The white sheets are rumpled, but pulled up to the pillows.
The words you never listen! Are written and are in the middle of the photograph, stretching out to both sides. Never is underlined twice. The words “talk to mom” are barely visible as they are written off the photograph and blurred.
A Pittsburgh Steelers fleece blanket covers a person, but only their feet are visible.
A hand is pulling, frustrated, at hair. The forehead is partially visible, but the hand and hair are the majority of the frame.
A white piece of paper, bound with a spiral, has the following written text: “How am I a survivor? Only survivors get raped. I mean it was only my brother. It wasn’t like I had intercourse. I was only shown his penis and balls when we were alone anywhere. Hotels, car rides, the house. He would only thrust into me when trying to give me a hug. How am I a survivor? How am I supposed to have a boyfriend No one will love me! I am not a victim nor survivor because my mom survived worse! I am damaged goods!
The sun peaks through a cloud in a gray sky, with the top of a bridge stretched down below it. There are cars moving on the bridge.
Two people hold hands, their fingers intertwined. One person wears blue fingernail polish. The hands are sitting on one person’s lap, and one appears to be driving as there is an out of focus portion of their shoulder and a seat belt in frame.

Through the eyes of a survivor who stayed with an abusive man who she loved for many years but chose to break free no matter what

clear blue sky over mountains

I have to continuously remind myself that everything is going to get better. Even on days when I do not want to get out of bed I force myself to fantasize about the future. I tell myself that I am still alive for a reason and I have to take advantage of living abuse free because everyone does not make it out alive.

stream cascading through a forest

When I was a victim I did not think that I would ever be able to see the beauty behind the transformation of becoming a survivor. Sometimes all you can do is float on your back and acknowledge that you are healing.

dawn over the mountains

Trauma looks like a dark place where I am afraid to be alone. I knew that I was being abused for many years but I wanted to believe that one day he would stop. He never did so I had to walk alone.

sunset over the mountains

I have to continuously remind myself that everything is going to get better. Even on days when I do not want to get out of bed I force myself to fantasize about the future. I tell myself that I am still alive for a reason and I have to take advantage of living abuse free because everyone does not make it out alive.


The journey for me has been a long one – over 35 years – and I still experience days when I find myself triggered by something unexpected. I have learned over the years that when that happens it’s beneficial for me to reach at to those individuals who are supportive and can provide insight and validation. I turn to them as a plant turning toward sunlight. These days, most days these days are full of natural light – I am in a much healthier environment here and have grown to my capacity – but it wasn’t always so. There was a time when I was planted in thin soil in a house with no windows. I got sick and barely hung on… I lost a lot of my leaves.

Luckily – I was transplanted to a house with windows – not only does the light shine in daily but the windows open.

I am surrounded by other beautiful flowering plants and someone who tends to me.

I am thriving.

plant bending toward the light

Bending toward the light


paper with "Academic Dismissal" and "F" written on it

He took the clothes off of my body, he took advantage of me, he left me with scars, some are deeper than you can see. After it all, I am still hurt, he took my future and he threw it in the dirt. Emotional instability, fear, and pain, I am forced to rebuild things again and again. It’s more than surface level, it takes a lot away, my life has changed because of what happened to me that day. A lot of things have been at stake, all because he chose to rape.


Glass art of two green hands with overlapping thumbs. The tips of the fingers are not visible, except for the thumbs and pinky fingers, which have dark green puffy dot paint covering the nails. The sleeves are blue with yellow accents. There is clear glass supporting the hands and arms.
A pen drawing of a person in a bathing suit. The image is cropped so that anything beyond the forehead or thighs is not visible. Only one arm is drawn, and there are no hands. There is little detail work, except for the subject’s face.
Image reads: I KNOW WE FUCKED SO INCORRECTLY YOUR TEMPTATION OH SO PETTY - WHEN I LOOK UP AT THE STARS ITS A FIELD OF WHAT WAS OURS:

Being sexually assaulted and molested by family members led me to grow up a lot faster than others. When your cut so deep at such a young age, the scars slowly heal but will always be there.

teddy bear with darkened lighting

Some are forced to grow up far before others. My childhood was stolen at age 7.


A silver necklace of Ganesha, God of new beginnings, success and wisdom, and Remover of Obstacles, lays on top of a dark knit background. The bottom of the Ganesha pendant is in focus, and the image blurs as it moves up Ganehsa and to the necklace.
Two bottles of pills with their prescription labels sit on a wooden floor. One bottle is on its side, with eleven white pills spilling from it. The other bottle is upright. Both bottles are open and the caps for the bottles lay beside them.
A wooden door and a yellow wall. On the door frame is a self-installed hard plastic door alarm.

My ex husband spent most of a decade making my life a living hell. Our relationship officially ended the day he pushed me into a bathtub, locked the door, and threatened to murder me. Over the years he prevented me from driving (which I now do), alienated me from friends and family, gaslighted me to the point of mental distress, tried to push me out of a moving car, strangled me, punched me, kicked me, slapped me, and forced himself on me. I have fought my way out of his grip and have worked on healing from trauma and severe depression.

Upon a pink, plush couch lies two items: one is a set of car keys and the other is a sketchbook opened to a page with a drawing. The drawing, created with pen and markers, features a brunette person driving in a vehicle with a grey interior. This person has blood coming from their nose and on their hands. The person is crying.

Blood, Sweat and Keys

Two paintings lay upon a paint palette, a set of acrylic paints, artist tools, and other barely seen paintings. The paintings are horizontal and are placed one above the other. The painting near the top of the photograph is made with paint of varying blues and reds, merging to brown in some areas. The background is made in streaks of blue and red. In the middle is a person’s face, neck, and shoulders, painted in the same streaky style as the background. One eye is open, looking down, with bruising to the le

Drowning